Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Being true to myself

I've been hearing that a lot lately. Be true to yourself. Do things that resonate with you. I don't know what feels right outside of my marriage and spiritual beliefs. Those two things are aligned. I know there's more for me. I just don't know what. I get so frustrated. I shouldn't be frustrated. My business is pretty much at a stand still down here. I know it can work because I see it work for others, It just isn't happening for me. I tried to start a Lupus support group meeting down here and even that is hard. I feel like I'm getting no where. I haven't found anyone to post flyers for me.( I put an elastic band on my wrist to snap every time I complain, whine, or nag. Does this count?lol) So, I'm taking it to social media! I have to figure out how to set up a facebook page. I know things aren't easy. I don't want easy. I like a challenge. I don't want it to feel hopeless. I need to feel like I'm making a difference and I don't anymore. (again outside of my family).

My kids are making things work on their own. Which is fantastic! This is what I've always wanted. We talk. We have great conversations and I don't need nor do they want me to solve their issues. I'm finally okay with that. I still have my moments, but I'm okay when they don't follow my advice.

My husband and I haven't gone away together in months. But we moved to a new state and he just got a job that he's happy with, so that will change soon. We have gotten so much closer since we moved.

So now everyone has their own stuff to do and I feel frustrated. I think it started after my surgery. Being unable to get around put me in a funk. I'm not as active as I before which is to be expect. Now it's been 8 weeks. I should be going back to yoga, my walks and what. I had so much activity going on before. I had taken my business further than I ever did. I had a huge move I was preparing for. I had to get ready for a major surgery ( I call a hysterectomy a major surgery). Now it's all done. I'm not cut out to be Betty Homemaker. I keep trying to make my business work and it's like an itchy sweater that you got as a gift that looks fabulous on you, but doesn't feel good and you don't want to hurt the feelings of the person that gave it to you so you keep wearing it. You try to find to make it more comfortable, but it just doesn't feel right. Of course it's not going to work because it's not me. But what the hell is.

I know I can't just sit here and be the sick lupus patient. I hurt. When I eat the things that are true to who I am I feel better. Figured that one out. What's next. Headaches still an issue. Going to see a new neurologist in December. Memory still iffy. I'm getting older. (never thought I'd admit that!) I want to be able to enjoy this new freedom I have and I can't. I should be happy I have all this free time. I can do what ever I want. I just don't know what. Don't get me wrong. I'm not sad and unhappy and mopey. I'm not comfortable in my skin. I hear you want to be a bit uncomfortable because then your growing. What am I supposed to learn?

Live. Laugh.Love.Enjoy!