Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas!!

Happy Holidays! It's been awhile. Things are still unsettled. Everyone is trying to figure out.... things. For now my day is quiet and peaceful. My husband and I are enjoying each others company. The kids are giving me a break. This is nice. I'm going to live in the moment!

Monday, December 3, 2012

What to do

My second to oldest child moved back home troubled. He had been living in the streets (not necessarily on the streets) and been exposed to a lot. He called me when he was mentally and physically tired and had finally had enough. On the street thousands of miles away with no where to go. Of course I said come home. I'm not that heartless. I tried to find somewhere for him to go first. But it's not that easy. You see, my son is a transgender.
He hasn't had an operation or started hormones, but he was trying to live as a woman. It hurts my husband to even think of his son as a woman. (that's all I'm going to say about that one for now). I was devastated when he first told me. My world felt like it was coming to an end. Like my son was dying. Intellectually I know my son is still alive. He would just be a she. But as a mom, my heart still bleeds. I've gone to a transgender support group to get some of my questions answered. The main one, "why"? And I learned so much more. Maybe I was more open to hear because these women weren't my baby. The main thing I got from the meeting was how unloved and alone they felt in the beginning by their family. At such a crucial part of their lives when things were turned upside down there was no family. I learned that the suicide rate for kids going through this is 55%! I love my child. I never want him to feel that way. So I had him come home. There are rules. He has to see a councilor. Not because I'm trying to change him, but I want him to be safe. 
Another thing I learned from my new friends was it takes time to accept. I have every right to feel the way I do. It's all a process. I would be seeing the councilor too, but financially it's not possible. It's more important for him to see her than me so I'll continue to go to the group meetings. ( for once I'm not the facilitator! lol) And I have you guys. I'm surprised I haven't landed in the hospital with all the stress.
He learned some other unsavory things on the streets when I lived up north that I said I would never put up with again while he was living in my house. Meeting people on the internet is one. How do I trust him? I can't keep him locked in the house forever. He's testing me I think. He went outside to smoke a cigarette for 3hrs. He had a journal with him and he said he was sitting in a quiet spot in the complex and was writing and talking on the phone. I didn't go out looking for him. I called and got the voice mail. I called a second time and that's when I got the story. I don't want to have to follow him all over the place. He's 22 and should be able to go out. But I don't want the same behavior as before, just a new place. We talked about this before the 'cigarette break'. I have a habit of blowing things out of proportion.(so they lead me to believe). I really don't think I do though. I think I'm right most times and years later they'll admit it, because that's what teenagers do. Hey, I was one once. I'm going to stop here, before this turns into a book. (one day it possible will- would you buy?!lol) For now I hope you all enjoy your day. I'll be back soon!