Monday, November 8, 2010

Feeling Good!

I hate to say it, because I go through so many extremes. I'm vegan! It hasn't been hard. No harder than being a vegetarian. I feel good. The headaches are still there. No help for that. I'm still taking the Neurotin and it's keeping them bearable, so I'm grateful. I'm doing my yoga and meditating. It's been three weeks. I'm losing weight ( sooo happy about that).
Still looking for answers about the headaches. Looking within me for the answers. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm ready for the journey! That's what life is all about, right?
I haven't started on my list yet. It's snowing outside so I might as well start today!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

new reminder

Just finished reading the book, Skinny Bitch. I loved it! Especially the end. I had forgotten to dream. I always remember I want to be healthy. I want to be pain free. But what else. That use to be enough. What am I going to be when I grow up? What are the things I want to accomplish? What happended to my list of 100 things I want to do before I die? Not as morbid as I once thought. I am 40 now and it's time to make things happen. I started my list about 5 years ago and some of the things on the list started getting done and I got scared. I put something on the list that I really didn't think would ever happen and it did! Freaked me out. Didn't write anything else on the list after that. Face fears and live my life. It's time. So Skinny Bitch is not just about being skinny, it touches on so many health and social conscious issues.
It reminded me about my affirmations. POWERFUL. Didn't realize how powerful until I had little energy to get out of bed and had very little hope and no faith in medicine and wrote down my affirmations faithfully every day 10 times each and would often say them. I did this for months and look how far I've come. Words are power. I'm learning to use them wisely.
I've been busy, so I haven't had time to sit and write. I look back and I don't know what I've been busy doing. I need to slow down. I say that often. It's not the physical zooming around, it's more of the mind racing and really, why. I'm back to meditating. It helps.  It's tough to quiet the mind. I'm out of practice.

I need to become a bit more social. I spend a lot of time in the house or with just the hubby and kids. I've let go of some stressful relationships over the summer so I'm leary of getting mixed up in new friendships. Not looking for a best friend, but I do need to get out and meet people. I use the excuse of having lupus and it being tough because of my energy level. It's not that tough. I just have to reach out and say hello. Again not looking for a best bud, not sure what I'm looking for. I'm not a phone person. I don't know. I do know I need to get out more. My next favorite is the I don't have any money. I have money for everything else though. Why do I have to spend a lot of money to get out of the house?! I'm  I know how it's done. Smile and say hello. Listen to me, I sound like I'm going out to pick up a man!!!
Feels good to write again!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Give and Get is Here!

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from August 26-29 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy and we'll donate 5% of what you spend to a non-profit."

Saturday, August 7, 2010

New Day

Well, I'm starting my day off counting calories. I'm hoping it will make me more aware of what I'm eating and where I can make changes. I already know this stuff, but doing it this way creates something for me to do.
Not sure what I'm doing with my day. Didn't go to sleep last night until after 1. A nap should definitely be in there somewhere.
It's going to be gorgeous here in CT!
By the way if your looking for a good summer read, try this book. I loved it!

Friday, August 6, 2010

On overload

I have all these ideas running around in my head.  I'm like a chicken with my head cut off. I have different projects going on all over the place. I'm tired and I hurt. I've been limping for over a month. Now my knee and my right buttock hurts. Not my hip but the ichial tuberosity. I think that's what it's called. ( I'm trying to use my big words lol). Is that a joint?I thought it was a bone. Can it truly be hurting? It feels like it. Time to get back to basics with my favorite book, if I can remember where it is!
I'm still eating healthy. I eat a lot out of my garden. I have been eating meat. Not a lot, but it's in there. I finally had a steak yesterday (and today). Needless to say it was delicious! Now I have to have my salmon and lamb on the grill to make my summer complete. I am the worse vegetarian imaginable. I should just stop saying I'm going to be one. It will happen one day. But not this summer!
Surprisingly I'm still losing weight. I try to move around more. Could be why I'm so tired. I had to force myself to sit today.
I made a great dinner. I put roasted tomatoes ( from the garden) and garlic in some homemade sauce I had in the freezer. Then I poured it over italian sausage that I browned with onions and put the whole thing in the oven for about 20 minutes. Mixed with brown rice pasta. Very good! Got the thumbs up from the kids.
Vege- corn on the cob cooked on the grill.
Well I guess I'll try to find something on TV to wind down. I watched Snoop dogg and his family on the View today.(watched it online - ) His beautiful little girl, Cori ( 11 y.o. don't quote me) has lupus. Very inspirational.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

In the Berkshires!

On my little getaway with the hubby! At first glance I looked at the little town and said there is nothing here. (Pittsfield, MA). Once we got settled in, it's rather nice. We found this cute little pub, called the Lantern. They had the most delicious bacon cheeseburger I've had in a long time. I haven't eaten one in a while, but you know what I mean. Of course I devoured it! Then we went across the street to the coffee shop (I don't remember the name), and sat outside while Darrell had desert and I had a coffee. It was so nice. I would love to live in a small town like this with the perfect weather (for Me) year around. Alas, this is not the place. Too cold in the winter.
We're off to a resort today to explore. I'll post pics when I get home!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Getting there

I'm feeling more like myself today. I'd be lying if I said there were no tears, but it's getting better. I burned a pot in the kitchen. Now that's more like it! It's amazing when you forget that you're cooking something and you're outside and think your neighbor is burning something but it's really you and that's the norm! lol Gotta love it!
Believe it or not I do love it. I'm alive.
Went for a walk with a buddy today and it felt so good. I haven't been for a walk in few weeks. Why do we stop doing things that are so good for us?
Slowly but surely I'm coming back and changing in the process. But aren't we always changing. Change is good.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Better day

Today was good. Didn't focus on myself so much today. Went to md appt with hubby. Had a nice lunch at Panera - salad, no bread. I have been itching like crazy because of wheat. Had a friend come over to just hang out and sent her home with goodies from the garden. I had to say no a couple of times today to the kids. All in all, a pretty decent day.
I heard some disturbing news about a friend. Until this moment I had put it on the back burner. I know that sounds harsh, but right now I can't even  deal with anything else. I can only listen. No advice. Just listen. I have no advise to give in this case. But for now, tonight, on the back burner it goes.
Sleep well.

Still here

That's how I've been feeling lately. I can't seem to shake this. I'm still crying. For her and for me. She was the one person I could talk to. We both knew that our head problem was going to kill us, it was just a matter of when. We wouldn't put into words, but we knew. I think we did once. We would spend our time talking about what we were going to do with the time we had. Tips on how to keep our body healthy. Our feelings about our kids. Me wanting them to go off to college and leave the nest and her wanting to move to whatever town her son was going to college in so she would always be close to him. And then we would laugh because we were such opposites. She's gone. Well not her energy. Sometimes I still feel it. I just can't seem to get motivated. I tried looking for motivation in my children and that was a disaster. That left me more depressed than ever. As I lay in bed crying yesterday my husband asked why was I crying ( I know he wanted to add, now). I told him my life consisted of making him breakfast and getting frustrated with the kids. He told me, with a smile, to forget about the kids and wasn't making him breakfast every morning enough? My comment was absolutely not, there has to be more and if he kept it up he would be out with the kids. lol  I'm making the accessories, I just started a new scarf, maybe the Butterfly Affect ( I know the term is effect- wasn't sure if I could use it) is what I need. That's the name of the business ,by the way.
The Hubby and I are getting away for a couple of days. I hope this will help. I plan to bring my camera and view the world through my lens.
Maybe a new hair color is in order. I've lost another few pounds. Yay! Still too hot to eat a lot of food.
I guess I need to take my own advice.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Still a little melancholy. I didn't cry when I woke up this morning.
Have this weird pain in my ear and along left side of my jaw. I'll take something for inflammation if it doesn't go away by tonight. Could be TMJ syndrome caused by inflammation. Probably due to my decrease in prednisone. Just my diagnosis - with the help of the internet. If the anti-inflammatory doesn't work I'll call a doc.
I'm shedding pounds! Yay!!!! It's too hot to eat! I never thought I would say that. And I'm not starving. I ate mac and cheese out of a box last night. Yuck. I use to love that stuff. Rather disappointing. I've been eating mostly things from my garden. It's nice to be able to walk out into your yard and get your meals. Very convenient. My squash went to down so we planted celery, collards, cabbage, and broccoli in it's place. I was amazed at all the room squash takes up.
I'm setting up my lupus awareness table today at an outdoor concert in Hamden. You can contact me for more info. I'll post pics tomorrow (  or next week lol).
I'm running out of things to say.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Here's a picture of Madison! Isn't she beautiful!

Me in Lake George getting suncreen sprayed on for the hundredth time.
the kids! They strongly dislike getting their picture taken.

Monday, July 19, 2010

More Tears

Not the bawling my eyes out of Saturday. Not the steady stream of Sunday. Today is a trickle here and there. I've even been able to smile when I think back to some of the conversations we've had. One in particular - she'd given me her recipe for sauce. She was appalled that I fed my babies jar sauce ( as every Italian family I know had been lol). I told her I had finally gotten a recipe from FN Everyday Italian. Her response was her's was better and never trust a skinny woman with a recipe. I had to remind her she was 120lbs soak and wet- which she than got offended and laughed and said don't ever say she was that heavy she was only 110. We had such a good time. Her recipe is excellent by the way. It was so good I gave away jars of sauce to some other friends. I still use it to this day. Thank you Roseann. Your secret ingredient is safe with me! Believe it or not about a year later she even started to like Giada! I guess skinny women can cook too!
My son's party yesterday went pretty well. I'm in a fog so they got away with more than I would usually tolerate. The pool didn't become off limit until 9pm and the last of his friends went home at 1am. They cleaned up their mess, so when I got up this morning my backyard was in good shape. I was pleasantly surprised.
 My head still hurts, I'm still achy, but it all is to be expected. I'm grateful for every breath and I'm going to enjoy my day.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Having a tough time

I didn't sleep well last night. As a result, everything hurts. My head, cramps, and my heart is still aching for the loss of a friend. I've never had one of my friends die. There were those that I was friends with when I was younger and hadn't spoken to in years. But no one that I was still visiting with and talked too. It's hard. The tears are still coming. I don't know if I'm shocked by her death or not. I know deep down I shouldn't be. She was diagnosed with GBM a few years ago. To say her death came on suddenly is not true. I just never prepared for it. I would never let myself because I never wanted it to happen. I'm trying to mourn for her without drawing any parallels to my life. I want it to be separate for many reasons - she deserves to be mourned, she has a beautiful spirit, it's not always about me ( I can't say that enough!). and three, I'm scared. If I had to face the fact that she could die from a brain tumor, I could die from whatever it is that's causing my headaches. ( Drs still don't know why I'm having them). As I've learned from my past (my mom dying when I was 17) not preparing for it won't keep it from happening. I guess that's why I'm trying to live my life now with no regrets. Have fun, be responsible, try not to do harm to others and apologize when I do.
I hurt someone that I consider a friend. Not intentionally, but I hurt her. Sometimes saying your sorry just isn't good enough. There's nothing I can do to change it. She sent me a letter saying she can't forgive me. I understand. It's time for us to move on. I wish her well, I wish her happiness, and love.  It's like saying good bye to two friends. In very different ways. One is forever and the other is until we meet again. The forever one I haven't cried for because I know she'll be alright. It's time for each of us to start a new life.
My tears have dried up for now and I have to continue with my day. A day filled with teenagers! I am grateful. To be able to yell at my kids to do their chores, laugh with them over their silly antics, and get an occasional hug and if I'm really lucky a kiss.
Live.Love.Laugh.And Enjoy every day.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

In Memory of ...

This evening I lost a friend. She was such a beautiful person. Kind, loving, very straight forward and no nonsense. lol We would spend hours talking. ( literally) I'm going to miss our talks at the kitchen counter over a cup of tea. She was way too young to die. Too much to live for. Too many people to love and still needed her. I am grateful for our friendship. She pulled me through one of my dark moments. Reminded me of who I am. Thank you. In our friendship there were were no regrets and never anything left unsaid. I wish I could have seen her one last time, but we always said goodbye and hugged. We knew how much the other valued our special friendship. We weren't best friends - we both had our own. We had a special friendship. A mutual respect and admiration for each others strengths. A friendship I am glad I had the opportunity to experience.

Good Morning!

I always look forward to the time I can decrease my prednisone. I only decrease by 1mg every other day at a time. Even though it's such a small dose I really feel the difference. Everything feels so tight. There's very little swelling. Not even enough to
I forgot to pick up my DHEA. DHEA is what gives me my energy. I forget that after a while. I ran out last friday I think and by yesterday I could barely get out of the recliner. I realized how fake my energy is. I don't think that's the right word. I guess I should say how chemically induced my energy is. I haven't been eating all that healthy lately so I don't have all those glorious vegetables helping out with my energy level. It takes effort just to lift my arms. But I am grateful that I know what to do to fix the problem. I picked up my DHEA yesterday and I hope it will only take a couple of days to kick in. Normally I feel the difference after a day. I think it's going to take longer this time.
It's hard to be upbeat when you have no energy. Today I just want to be left alone. I don't feel like that too often anymore. I think I'm entitled though. I'm beginning to PMS also, so that doesn't help. Today is definitely a day to stay out of my way. I think I'll screen calls to just the kids and hubby. Nothing personal everyone, just need a break. I have to rejuvenate.
I can remember trying to do a day a silence to get centered. I think I'll try it again. Not today. That's something you have to plan or at least notify the household of ahead of time.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Feeling Good!

Feeling good s such a wonderful thing. Trying not to do too much. I did all the running around I can do for today. Now it's time to relax. Head starting to hurt a little more, but not unbearable. I feel good.
I'm starting a new adventure to help those with lupus. I had (and still do sometimes) such a hard time with my lupus. You know the days where you just can't get out of bed to fix something to eat, the times you have to decide between paying a bill or your mortgage and buying meds. You don't have enough for gas or a way to get to a doc appointment. There's no agencies out there to help people with Lupus. Especially if you fall in an income bracket that is above the poverty level. What do we do? I'm working on it. With the help of family and friends we're creating accessories made of natural fibers to help raise money to help those in need. My husband is working on starting a legitimate business, so we don't run into complications. I'll keep you posted.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Don't over do it!

I kept trying to tell myself that yesterday. Whenever I'm down for a day or two I always want to make up for those days. It doesn't work that way. I know it doesn't work that way. I did a lot yesterday now that I look back on it. I'm sitting here and I couldn't understand why I'm so tired. That's why. No excruciating pain, just tired. There's still much I want to do today ( what else is new). I know I can't. Everything that will get accomplished is going to get accomplished pool side. In the shade of course! I may take a ride to comcast to change a cable box, but that's it. And it starts!  I'm going to relax. I have a book. I have sunscreen. Plenty of water. Now I just have to sit still. Meditation is what's missing. I haven't done it in a while. Must give it a go. Oh well, I'm starting to ramble.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Feeling  a lot better. I'm very grateful. I did increase my afternoon dosage of neurotin. I should sleep better tonight. I read an article of gratitude this afternoon and I realized that I forgot to be grateful these past couple of days. Or did I. I can't remember. Any way I am grateful. I had a fabulous time with the family. My boys were excellent. No fighting, no nagging. They had a good time at the wedding ( their first as young men). My husband was very sweet and attentive. I couldn't ask for a better time. The days that I was down, my house got cleaned without me having to be the one to tell them. They even did laundry. I am grateful. To be alive and feeling pain. To know that I haven't given up and I still look forward to another day. I am grateful. To be able to touch another human life in some small way, to make a difference to someone I don't know. And do it, not to get a thank you, but for inner joy. I am grateful for relief from the pain.
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!!!

Still in pain

I did it to myself. I know better. I ate foods I knew were bad for me. I sat in a car for over 10 hrs in the sun - what did I think was going to happen. I doesn't make feeling like crap any better. I did apologize to myself. Sounds weird but I felt a little better afterward. The shot yesterday did provide some relief. Pain came back full force in the middle of the night. I'm going up on my neurotin today. The doctors wanted me to ride it out. That's not going to happen if  I have something here that I'm already on and it will make me feel better. I can always decrease later. I'm not the sit and don't move type. I hate this. I cried yesterday. I hate that even more. The feeling of helplessness. I have new lupus friends to talk to about how I feel, but I'm in too much pain to even listen to voices. I've dimmed the the computer screen so it's tolerable for short time. This too shall pass. I do know I'll never do a trip like that again. I'll break it up and travel long hours at night. I told my husband I felt like a vampire. I can only come out at night. The sun is killing me. I want to laugh but I don't think it's a joke. I really believe that the sun could kill me. I think that's all for now. Just had a long pause. Enjoy your day for me!
Live.Love.Laugh. Enjoy!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Oh #!*T

I feel like a truck hit me and backed up and hit me again. We only spent a day in Lake George. Not because I wasn't feeling well, but because the kids were bored which I was happy of. On the ride home it really hit me. By the time we got home all I could do is lay down in the dark. This morning I ended up in my primary care's office. Both of my rheumatologist went of vacation at the same time! I ended up getting a shot for the headache. Never heard of that before. It helped me sleep and it lessened the headache a little. I so wiped out. I surprised I can even get on the computer. My advice to lupus travelers. STAY OUT OF THE SUN! There's no other way around it for me anyway. I'm going to go lay back down. I got some cool  pics though. I'll post them at a later date.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Day 3 and 4

I really enjoyed visiting with family. Madison is beautiful. Two year olds can be such a delight. They are much better as grandchildren! I spent all of yesterday on the road. Not fun. Trying to keep my feeling sick from the family. I screwed up on my meds and didn't pick up on it until Monday. Taking 5mg of prednisone instead of 7mg. Last minute pick up of 1 mg pills that I tossed in my pocketbook. I prefill a pill box so I don't know how many days I went without noticing. It couldn't have been more than 3. Needless to say the 11 hr drive to Lake George from VA was an achy affair. We switched hotels when we got here. Just a long journey. Not sure if I have recouped but we're off to see the sights this morning. This was definitely too much for one trip. I'll be happy to sit at home for a few weeks!
Finally got a good cup of coffee! Good old New England!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 2

The wedding was beautiful. I had such a nice time. I did realize something. I am now part of the older group that kind of sits off to the side while the younger ones are having all the fun on the dance floor. Maybe that's when the bride and groom are in the early twenties. Anyway it was fun to watch. And I didn't feel out of place for not dancing ( aches and pains still in foot -wore a cute pair of wedges lol) because no one else my age was dancing either. Regardless, had a fabulous time with family. Now I have to get the guys up, so we can begin our next journey. Off to see Maddie! I'll add pics when I get home. If I remember!;-)
Live.Love.Laugh. Enjoy!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Having Fun

Did I say it was hot in CT? OMG! It's hot down here! SC in June is no joke. I had to go back in the hotel until around 6pm. The car thermometer was registering 101 degrees outside! All the sunscreen and hats in the world weren't going to help me at that point. Luckily the hotel is lovely and the kids are getting along. It's so peaceful and that's fun for me. Caught up on much needed sleep. Just feeling like there's nothing I need to do is a vacation. I'll keep you posted. I have the wedding today, my grandbaby in NC and family in VA tomorrow! Then we're off to two days in Lake George!
Live.Love.Laugh. Enjoy!

Monday, June 21, 2010

It's hot!

For those in Connecticut, I've just stated the obvious.  I can't take it. My foot hurts so I can't get in the pool. Tried it. Can't maneuver the ladder. Any exposure to the sun is draining. Going on vacation in a few days.  It's going to be fabulous. If I say it enough it will happen. My meat eating is at it's end. Did I mention I went back to meat? Two nights ago was the most painful night I've had in a while. Every joint hurt and there was this weird pain in my upper abdomen. Indigestion maybe?! I don't know, but i didn't like it. I don't know why I stop doing things that work for me. This is day two. I slept better last night. Still a bit achy. Had an x-ray done on the foot - found nothing. We knew that going in. The docs did mention possible surgery on a nerve in the foot. I guess I'll go see an orthopedic doc when I get back. Not thrilled. More money, more docs to tell you we don't know what is wrong. Oh and I have the typical protein in the urine - so repeat the test. I don't think I've had a lab where everything was perfect in over two years, but stilll they find nothing. Nothing can be good. I'm grateful. Let's be clear on that. I've learned to like nothing. Look how far I've gotten away from it's hot. lol
I miss coming up here. Hopefully it won't be too long next time

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Things are going well with me and my son. We've reached an understanding. The friends I don't like aren't welcomed in my house or in my car. I've been keeping him busy doing fun and organized things, so he hasn't wanted to hang out with those friends - yet.
Went to the gyn yesterday. Every things is well except my blood pressure. It was higher than it's ever been - 150/99. I'm going to have to stop playing around and lose weight. I don't want to go on any more medications if it can be prevented. I also have to reduce the stress which I have just started to do, so that should help.
I'm going to get ready to go for my walk. I haven't done it in awhile, so I need to get back out there.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Kids. Need I say more. My latest battle. Friends. On going battle through the years. You can't choose your children's friends. I try to protect them. Let them know that friendship is a mutual respect. I respect my friends differences, I respect their property, I respect them. And it's mutual. I like to keep my friendships balanced. I don't want to feel like I'm giving more to the relationship and I don't want my friend to feel they are giving more. I can't afford to put a lot of energy and effort in any relationship and not get anything back. I have ended many relationships for that reason, whether it be friend or family. Having lupus has taught me a lot about friends and what really being a friend is about for me. I think that's where I'm getting stuck with my kids. I want their values for friendship to be the same as mine. Am I wrong? Do I sit back and watch them get walked all over because they want friends and to me are sacrificing their ( I can't find the right word) is it integrity for the sake of having friends? Demonstrating behavior not becoming to them or their household just to be liked. I went through that. It's not fun. It doesn't feel well. At least it didn't to me. I use to think my kids were an extension of me. I don't anymore. I had another heated discussion with my youngest and I told him I was beyond angry with the situation. What's beyond angry? For me, indifference. I'm shutting myself off from it. I can't spend anymore energy on it. It's like a brick wall and getting me nowhere. I'm turning it over to my husband. Fortunately for me and him there is another parent in the home to turn it over too. I'm losing sleep. My body aches. My head is exploding. I have to close off. It hurts. I've shed my tears and I know I have more, but there's nothing more I can do. Wish me luck.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Nice Day

I really wasn't having a nice day. The day I had planned for me kept getting pushed aside to do things for the kids. I told one of the boys I would give him a ride to the Renaissance Fair to join his friends. Well. We went to the wrong place three times, because the website was confusing for me and I thought it was in one town and it ended up being on the other side of the state on a college campus that has two campuses. Of course I went to the wrong one. By the time we got there, his friends were gone. I had a fabulous time. I got a henna tattoo and a cool necklace. I sat on a grassy hill with my son, eating freshly made apple cider donuts and watching two men acting like medieval warriors. It was great. And my son enjoyed it too. I did something out of the ordinary. Definitely a do again.
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Thursday, May 20, 2010


I'm taking many deep breaths. My youngest is still giving me grief. I'm trying something new. No punishment. We are going to the track everyday. He is going to run, do stairs, push ups, and anything else I can think of. He and is friend set something on fire in my house and where planning to set more things on fire and throw them in my pool. Has he lost his _ _ _ _ ing mind! I've actually been meditating a lot lately so it's the only thing that saved him. I lost it a couple of times, but not nearly as bad as it could have been. So he and his friend are now on the Madame butterfly track team ( they would die if they knew I just called it that)  :-) . They were bored. Now they have something to do. Taking things away hasn't seemed to work. I'll keep you posted.

I lashed out at a friend yesterday and it doesn't feel good. I felt that she was being used. Someone asked her to do a job that I had resigned from doing because it was too large of a job for me and I felt she was overburdened enough and shouldn't have been asked. Then there were parts where it felt as if they were trying to drag me back in and I don't want to do it. Well, I wasn't a happy camper and I let her know it. It became very heated. In the end. I calmed down and realized it's not my place to try and protect her. She wants to do it because it makes her feel good. I didn't want to do it because it didn't make me feel good. It's okay. I apologized to her. At least I think I did. I know I told her I loved her, but I wouldn't be helping her. That part felt good. Exercising the power to say no. I don't have to do something I don't want to do and it's alright if you do. There's no guilt for me to want to help out. My time is precious. My energy is even more so. It should be spent doing things that make me happy. My new track team makes me happy. :-)  She and I will have to go out to dinner and just chat like we always do.
Right now I'm going to rest up for my day at the track. I actually walk around the track while I'm there.
Live.Laugh.Love. Enjoy!

Sunday, May 9, 2010


The word of the day  is Gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful to see another day, to smell another flower, to pull another weed. I am grateful to have the ability to pick up another sock, wash another dish, and take a deep breath. I woke up this morning with a sense of gratitude. Then I walked out of my bedroom. Just because it's mother's day doesn't mean my world is going to miraculously be different. I made breakfast for my husband, who works at night ( something I try to do everyday if I feel well). That's our time to talk before he goes to bed (he gets off work at 6:30am). Then a made myself a cup of tea ( I can't eat breakfast that early) and escaped to the deck. It was an escape, because I couldn't face the dishes, the socks on the floor, the weeds in the garden. While sitting on the deck, enjoying the breeze - it's kinda cold this morning, I remembered my feeling of gratitude I woke up with this morning. My joints don't hurt, my headache is low ache, my energy level is decent. I'm an grateful  for this. Today is a fantastic day. I am grateful. So I picked up the sock, washed a few dishes ( in stages, because that's how I have to do it), and pulled some weeds. I know what you're thinking. Why not just have the kids do it. It's Mother's Day. I am grateful for the fact that I can do it. So while I can I will. I live in a constant state of the unknown. I guess everyone does, but the thought is always there for me. So I live my life to the fullest while I can. I do what makes me happy at the time. I am grateful. I'm off the buy some Preen for my weeds! Have fun on your Mother's Day!
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Feeling Mellow

Good morning! Today I realized that I can at last listen to other peoples' issues and not feel like I have to make them my own. It's so freeing. I can sympathize but I don't feel engrossed. I can walk away and my peace and tranquility (don't want to call it sanity) is still intact. That's a heavy burden when you take on everyone else's stuff along with your own. Again, what was I thinking! I feel too much. I have remembered to mellow out. Take things in stride. Release. Let go. Feel free. It's nice (and without drugs!!!). That's all for now. Be kind to yourself today.
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Having a Plan

Part of living with lupus is having a daily plan. I've gotten away from this. Writing down what it is I want to accomplish for the day. Today I have all these ideas of 'what I'm going to do today. I started by taking the kids to school, watering my garden, washing the dishes( my lovely dishwasher is leaking) and sweeping the kitchen floor. I'm pooped. I still want to plant more things in the yard, plant my mint in cups, go to home depot with the hubby and get fencing to complete the backyard, have him cut down a few things, and begin to open the pool, along with finish the laundry, mop the kitchen floor,  clean the bathroom, the list goes on. What am I, crazy!!! I know I can't get all of that done. I'm amazed I got done what I did so far. Oh and I still have to fit squats and my walk in there somewhere. I desperately need a list!!! I usually write down my list with four columns. Tasks, errands, calls, and groceries. Some of the things on the list get delegated to someone else and I pick about 3 of them for me to accomplish. The rest wait until tomorrow. It works, until I lose the list. :) I'm not so wiped out and I don't have all these ideas swirling around in my head. I'm sitting here drained. But this is my life. I accept that. I haven't eaten breakfast yet, or taken my medicine. Hmm, I'll dig up energy from somewhere to get out of this chair. While I'm here I'll write my list. It's going to be gorgeous in Connecticut!
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Good morning. I sit here with my pellet stove on and a warm cup of nettle tea and all is right in the world. For the last two weeks I've been on a meat frenzy. Yesterday the hubby and I drove 72miles for a burger. There is no Sonic Drive In in Connecticut, so we crossed over the border into New York state. It was worth it! I am  so bad. lol I was so stuffed afterwards. The kind of stuffed that if we hit a bump, it was all coming back out. I vowed that all animals were safe from me from here on out! I am dusting myself off and starting again because I know I feel better when I don't eat meat.
I've been exercising too. I went to the docs last week and she wants me to loose 10 lbs in 3 months. Doesn't sound hard, right? I've been trying to do that for over a year. It's time to do things differently. A friend I met that lives in Colorado, told me over two years ago to eliminate sugar and salt from my diet. It would make me feel better. I thought, oh no, I've given up enough I'm not giving up that too! It's time. I caught a glimpse of myself last night without clothing and my immediate thought was I look like a walrus. Then I thought a beautiful walrus. lol But a walrus. What's wrong with a walrus? Someone has to love walruses. Well I don't want to see a walrus when I look in the mirror. Don't get me wrong. I love me. I love all animals - remember they are safe from me. ;) But my body needs some work. I'm going to do it at a pace that won't land me in bed but still see results. I've started with 10 minutes of squats last week. Not easy for me, but I did it. This week it's 120 minutes of yoga along with the 10 min. I usually walk 2 miles about 4-5 days a week. It's another process. It's going to take time. Not going to happen over night. I'm reminding myself of this, because I always want immediate results. I'll keep you posted. I'm ready to change my picture.
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

It Cold

It's cold. I have a cold and my karma is off. I feel very off balanced. My son is driving me crazy. Kids at 14 just don't get it. He keeps saying I'm harping on the negative and I know that's just because I put him on punishment. I've tried the positive reinforcement. The level of disrespect was getting out of control so I had to let him know who still runs the show. But do I really. It's all about choices. His choices. Right now he's making a few wrong ones, but it's still his decision. I still have rules in my house that have to be followed. They haven't changed for the three other children and they are just fine. They'll probably all end up in therapy and it'll be my fault. :) But the rules remain in place. He's a sweet kid. I don't know. It's hard as a parent to step back. I know at this age it begins the process of letting them become their own person. I've given him enough tools that he is a good person. ( My husband helped out too!) It's all about me people!!! At least now I'm able to laugh. Too serious this morning. I have to get something warm in me and turn on my pellet stove. It's so sunny out I don't want to turn it on. My fingers are starting to turn blue. There it's on. How simple was that. I make things much harder than they need to be. Keep life simple. Live free. Maybe I should abandon rules and restrictions. Do they hinder us? Do they cloud our judgment? If we go on instinct we would always make the right decisions for us. Something to think about.
For today Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

New Blog!

Hello! I started a new blog! It can't always be about me!! This is something for us with Lupus. Check it out - There is a link on the right. I'll still be writing in this one also.
Hope to see you there!

Monday, April 19, 2010


Today is an amazing day! It's my grandbaby's birthday! Happy Birthday Maddie!!! Love you!
It's gorgeous outside, sunny and crisp! Two favorite things for lupus people. ;) I'm going for a walk today, combined with a little jogging. Yes, I am doing it people!

Last week I went on a meat frenzy. I had pork roast on Sunday, Popeyes fried chicken at least twice, and a double cheeseburger and a half ( not on the same day). All week I was so drained. I had some stressful friend issues going on, but couldn't believe my body was reacting to that in such a severe way. With lupus we know stress is not our friend, but this was an I'm tired after 8 hrs of sleep. I couldn't do my walks on some days. The days I did, it was a struggle and not invigorating at all. By Saturday, it clicked. I had eaten meat all week! Sunday I was good and had a little more energy as the day went on. This morning I'm feeling oh so much better!
I'm all about love, compassion, joy, and acceptance. It's a new day. Embrace it. Make it yours!
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Having Fun

This past weekend was a blast! I took the kids to Boston for an Anime Convention. What fun! To see all of the people of all ages in their cosplay ( they don't call them costumes). They are so brave. Let me rephrase that, they're confident and totally okay with who they are. I love it!
Went to an awesome lupus support group meeting in Greenwich. Very positive. Good feelings!
Don't ge me wrong I'm tired as hell, but it's good. I did something good and fun. The fatigue is bearable because it was so worth it. I'm up and going, just resting a lot more in between  this week.
I started my Mary Kay business again! I'm excited! It's about making others happy and getting joy out of seeing their joy. Love it!!
Well, I have a kid in my ear saying, "Can we go?" One day he'll learn is not always about him. I'll let his first real girlfriend fill him in on that one. :)

Monday, March 22, 2010

the prankster

Last night I cooked cubed steak ( chicken fried steak) for the family. It bombed. For some reason it was sweet. My husband told me I need to go back to eating meat because I never know what went wrong. Today I go to make fish and dust it with flour. Well, the flour didn't look right and when I thought back it didn't look right last night. I taste it and it's not flour but confectioners sugar! The canisters were switched around on the counter. I never label them because I know the difference by looking at the texture. ;=)
As I'm telling this to my son Darrell he starts to laugh. Months ago he switched my dishes around and had me thinking I had a ghost in the house, so I told him he could never switch the dishes again. His words were, " you never said anything about the canisters!" Well the mystery of the souffle/cake is solved. Would anyone like to have a 16 yr old?

Friday, March 19, 2010

warm weather

I love it! I''ve been taking advantage of the warm weather. Getting some walking and bike riding in. I must say, the bike riding isn't my favorite. It hurts like hell, but it'll get easier. It's great to get out in the fresh air. As always I have to be careful with the sun, but so far so good, and I'm not letting it stop me! Soon enough I'll be doing the big hats and sunscreen and you know, that's alright too.
Live.Love.Laugh. Enjoy!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

lupus sucks

I called. Again, the doc's not sure. Give it another week and see what happens. If the problem persist go back up on the prednisone and see what happens. The disease of the unknown. Don't cha just love it. It is what it is. I'm grateful I can still get around. I'm grateful I have an outlet. I'm grateful I can still type! =) I'm grateful for life. When I start walking into walls we have a problem. Oh wait- I do that too! =) You gotta laugh.

Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy!


I've been having memory glitches again and I'm still losing conversations. The scariest is when I'm in a car and I don't know where I am. Once I was driving and couldn't remember the way to one of the kids' friend's house. All of a sudden I'm driving there and I don't know the way. It feels like I'm having a dream and I can't find my way out of a maze and I get that panicky feeling. It lasted about 20 seconds. Another recent incident, I was riding with my husband, I'm looking out the window as he's driving and all of a sudden I don't recognize anything and I don't know where we are. I had to ask him where are we. He gave me this strange look and said on Dixwell Ave. Very popular street. I drive down it at least 4 times a week. My son brought his girlfriend over to meet me, because he said I told him to. I can see my saying that, but I have no memory of the conversation. Pretty girl by the way and seems to be nice (you can't tell from the first meeting). I haven't called my doctor. I'm not sure what they can do for it. Maybe I should call and see if it's because I'm decreasing my prednisone. This sucks, I'm never going to get off of it. Oh well. I have to be a big girl (no pun intended) and do what I need to do.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

good morning

The pain in back was better by Friday. A little yoga goes a long way. I'm getting back in tune with my body. I stopped working with my clean eating coach and a regressed some ( not much). For a vegetarian I wasn't eating many vegetables. Getting back on track. I lost my train of thought here.This post was started and intended for yesterday and I stepped away from the computer and forgot about it until this morning. Oh well.
Have an awesome day!


Just when I thought I was okay with my self image, I realize that I'm not. I was also projecting my disgust with my body on to my husband. I imagined that every time he looked at me, he didn't like what he saw. Yesterday when he left the house, he didn't kiss me goodbye. It rarely happens. I took that action and ran with it. To give you background - he was late for his pool match and he was irritated with the kids because they weren't home to bring in my new to me washing machine =). I took it as, he's disgusted with looking at me and he's no longer attracted to me. Well. Luckily for me I don't go too far with these thoughts and I do my best thinking in the wee hours of the morning. ( I don't stay up all night I'm just an early riser). I've come to the realization that I'm not as okay as I thought I was with me. Oh yeah, I love the fact that I am strong in character, I'm sincere, I love helping others, I'm persistent, I can work things out (it takes me longer than it use to), I have a sunny disposition. I'm all that. =) But I still don't love the person I see in the mirror. The physical person. Now that I look back, I never did. Even when I was 160 lbs I wanted liposuction for the pouch in my lower abs and I wanted to get rid of the love handles I thought I had. When I was 130lbs ( many moons ago - we're talking late teens to early twenties) I wasn't happy. I wanted a big butt. Got it now! Whether or not my husband likes what he see's isn't the issue. I don't like what I see. How do l love the whole me? I can lose weight, but I don't think that is going to fix the problem. I'll feel good about it. Who wouldn't? But I will still find something wrong.
I first better stop projection my feelings on to others. I say this often. It's not about them. It's all about me!=)

Live.Laugh. Love.
Have an awesome and powerful day!

Thursday, March 4, 2010


I've decreased my prednisone and my back hurts so bad. I'm trying not to be a baby and suck it up. I can't keep running to the doc for shots. I'll wait until tomorrow and see how it goes. The accelerated pain just started this afternoon. Maybe I slept wrong. I know I'm reaching for excuses, but who knows. I don't think I'll make it to yoga class tomorrow. I will try a few stretches and see if it helps. I'm not in so much pain that I can't think clearly, so that's a plus. Taking it day by day. Always a new adventure;). Just happy to take the ride!
All in all still having a relaxing vacation. It gave me time to think and evaluate my activities and see what's important. I feel good.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Another Day

Today isn't as relaxing as yesterday. Yesterday was about me. I got a chance to read my romance novel and do nothing. Today I started thinking about a topic I said I wasn't going to deal with all week.I haven't been able to relax since. I just feel really tense and it's driving me crazy. I really need to resolve my issue and stop the avoidance. If I'm going to get worked up like this I need to deal with it and move on.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Day 1

First day of break. Trying not to stay irritated. My youngest seems to know how to push my buttons. I've been taking many deep breaths this morning. Everybody is off to school and I'm going to relax a minute with a cup of Milk Thistle tea ( good for detoxing the liver - see the link at the bottom and tea benefits on the right- before drinking check with your doc it may interfere with certain meds) and maybe even go back to bed!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Time for me

I'm taking a week off. I know. I'm not working. I still need time off. I've committed myself to so much, I feel like I'm constantly doing something. It's too much and I'm not enjoying some of it. Time to regroup. See if I'm just getting overwhelmed and confused or if I truly am not enjoying some of the things I'm doing. A week of just me time. The kids are back in school ( my oldest son went back to college in Miami!) and I have the house to myself during the day. No lupus. Just enjoying me. Now I'll have time to write and keep up with my blog ;)

Thursday, February 25, 2010


It's that time of the month and I'm so cranky. Feeling down right mean. I know boosting my protein intake helps with PMS. Sometimes I like the freedom of being mean. Today it's taking up too much energy and I'm exhausted at 8:07am. Time for peanutbutter and banana on a rice cake and a warm cup of tea!
Enjoy your day!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Feeling Fabulous!

I had to get a cortisone shot on Friday.  I was having a lot of pain in my hip and having a hard time walking. This was my first shot. It didn't work right away like I had heard it would so I was nervous. But the next day- yeah baby. I was up and ready to go. I moved around so much that I had forgotten about all the other aches and pains and the fatigue. It all came back but there was not crash, I just had to slow down.

My thyroid test came back normal so the hair loss is not due to the thyroid. Not surprised. I'm O.K . with the hair. I didn't fall in love with the dreads until the second year so I just have to wait it out.

I'm tired. I feel like I have so much on my plate. I put it there. I'm confused about what to do. I'm handling it all so far. I guess I still feel like I have to do something. I can't just be. I have to get involved and with me that generally means take charge. I'm not a delegator, I'm a worker bee so I always have to do everything. I use to like it that way. Is that a controll issue?:) Now it doesn't sit so well.

What happened to feeling fabulous?! I do feel fabulous. I'm mentally drained.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

How could I have forgotten!

My hair started falling out again. I'm putting my dreads back in ( hairstyle where you don't comb your hair). I actually loved my dreads. I cut them out about a year ago because I thought the heaviness was contributing to my headaches. They weren't and of course it was too late at that point. I figured I'd give it a go with new hairstyles. Well in december my hair started coming out and by January I was getting bald spots. Luckily my hair is thick so it isn't noticable yet so I'm hoping by putting the dreads in now I can stop the hair from falling out. I had dreads for 3 years and my hair didn't fall out in the entire 3 years. I'll keep you posted about that too.
I'm not going to go into the causes because we all know with Lupus it can be many things. I'm going to focus on a solution and later I'll worry about the rest.
Have an awesome day! Live Love Laugh!

It's been awhile!

I've been meaning to write for some time now. Life gets in the way sometimes.
I find myself in the fight mode again and it's exhausting and unnecessary. I recently signed on to something that I'm not sure if I believe in. I need to gather facts and make a decision. I don't want to fight for something that's never going to happen. Does this make any sense? Probably not. What I need to remember is I don't have to do or be any place that doesn't feel right. I've been listening to my body for awhile now and it works for me. I can't stop now. It's okay if I'm not a fit with this group. Some of our ideas are the same and the ones that aren't I can do my own thing. I guess it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Writing is always good for me. I seem to work it out on paper or shall I say on computer. If this has helped anyone else I'm happy and thank you for listening to me ramble. :)

On to other things. I've been feeling fabulous with the veges and grains! I do have to admit I have a weakness for fried chicken. I love the smell, the look, the taste, but not how it feels after it enters the system. Every other month I break down and have a taste. I'm in heaven for all of 3 minutes. Then I want to throw up and I have wicked heartburn.

I made these awesome gluten free almond butter chocolate chip cookies yesterday. I got the recipe from Clean Eating Magazine. It's not on the website or at least I couldn't find it but if you're interested it's in the latest issue. If you like chocolate your going to love theses.

I'm planning on fasting this weekend to cleanse the body. I tried it once.  I made it a 1/2 day. I can't remember if I felt better. I probable didn't.We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Author Symposium - hosted by LFA, CT Chapter

First Annual Author Symposium

February 6,2010. The Water Club, 545 Long Wharf Drive New Haven , CT
10am - 4pm

Come hear Donna Jackson Nakazawa, author of The Autoimmune Epidemic! Her book focuses on how to protect your immune system while exploring possible causes and potential cures for nearly 100 autoimmune diseases including Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Crohn’s Disease, Type 1 Diabetes, Rheumatoid Arthritis and other autoimmune related diseases like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome! THE AUTOIMMUNE EPIDEMIC combines up-to-the-minute research emerging out of dozens of today’s cutting-edge scientific labs with the front line perspective of autoimmune sufferers.

Also presenting is bestselling author Bernie Seigel, M.D., author of Love Medicine & Miracles in which he shares his experience with exceptional patients and how powerful the will to live can be and the physical benefits derived from accepting one's mortality and healing your life. The idea of unconditional love as being the most powerful stimulant of the immune system is a common theme in Seigel’s work.

Dr. Joseph Craft, Yale University School of Medicine Professor of Medicine and Immunobiology, Chief of Rheumatology Section, and Director of the Investigative Medicine Program, directs a research laboratory devoted to understanding T lymphocyte differentiation and function in systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE, or lupus) will also be presenting at the symposium. His research has been continually supported by the National Institutes of Health since 1985, where he is a current NIH MERIT award recipient, and he is the author of over 140 scientific publications.

Last, but my no means least, clean living coach and owner/founder of Healthy Endeavors- a health coaching and consulting firm, Wendy Battles-Plasse, MA, HHC will be speaking on a nutritional approach! Her teleseminar “Money Saving Meal Planning: Quick, Healthy and Delicious Meals on a Budget” taught individuals a simple system to change their mindset about meal planning and how to plan weekly meals that are both healthy and have an eye on the bottom line. Along the way, Battles-Plasse shares a multitude of resources, tools and forms to make meal planning systematic week after week. She has also developed a simple Money Saving Meal Planning Home Study Course.

Coffee and light snacks will be served in the morning followed by lunch in the afternoon.

PURCHASE TICKETS ONLINE  ( Check out the link on the right!)


PHONE: 860-269-6240

We look forward to seeing you there!!

Getting Out!

This year it's time for me to get out and interact with the world. I do it on occasion. But for the most part I'm a home body. I have been for years and the past 2 years forget about it. My not feeling good was the perfect reason to not have to interact with anyone. Don't get me wrong I love people. I love to talk. I just don't like leaving my comfort zone. I don't like to try new things and meet (initiate meeting) new people. Every day I am going to get out and talk to someone new. Don't have to make a new friend, just talk. Say hello. Smile. Be a part of the world. I went to a mixer last night. A fundraiser for the Lupus Foundation. It promised to be an awesome night. It was at a family bar I guess. Very weird set up. It looked like a bar. The name of the place is Bar. There were three rooms with bars in each. Serves food. But there were kids everywhere. Ages 5-10. I don't know. Any who. Had a nice time. I stayed for an hour. I got there at 6. Light crowd at that time. As people started to come in the music got louder and the voices did too and it became too much for me, but before that I came out of my comfort zone and made light conversation with those at my table. Of course everyone at the mixer( we had our own seperate area) was college age. I had my oldest son with me and he assured me that I fit in .:) Isn't he cute! All in all a wonderful night out.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Happy New Year! May this year bring you many new and wonderful firsts!
Love. Live. Laugh. Enjoy!