I didn't sleep well last night. As a result, everything hurts. My head, cramps, and my heart is still aching for the loss of a friend. I've never had one of my friends die. There were those that I was friends with when I was younger and hadn't spoken to in years. But no one that I was still visiting with and talked too. It's hard. The tears are still coming. I don't know if I'm shocked by her death or not. I know deep down I shouldn't be. She was diagnosed with GBM a few years ago. To say her death came on suddenly is not true. I just never prepared for it. I would never let myself because I never wanted it to happen. I'm trying to mourn for her without drawing any parallels to my life. I want it to be separate for many reasons - she deserves to be mourned, she has a beautiful spirit, it's not always about me ( I can't say that enough!). and three, I'm scared. If I had to face the fact that she could die from a brain tumor, I could die from whatever it is that's causing my headaches. ( Drs still don't know why I'm having them). As I've learned from my past (my mom dying when I was 17) not preparing for it won't keep it from happening. I guess that's why I'm trying to live my life now with no regrets. Have fun, be responsible, try not to do harm to others and apologize when I do.
I hurt someone that I consider a friend. Not intentionally, but I hurt her. Sometimes saying your sorry just isn't good enough. There's nothing I can do to change it. She sent me a letter saying she can't forgive me. I understand. It's time for us to move on. I wish her well, I wish her happiness, and love. It's like saying good bye to two friends. In very different ways. One is forever and the other is until we meet again. The forever one I haven't cried for because I know she'll be alright. It's time for each of us to start a new life.
My tears have dried up for now and I have to continue with my day. A day filled with teenagers! I am grateful. To be able to yell at my kids to do their chores, laugh with them over their silly antics, and get an occasional hug and if I'm really lucky a kiss.
Live.Love.Laugh.And Enjoy every day.