Thursday, June 3, 2010
Kids. Need I say more. My latest battle. Friends. On going battle through the years. You can't choose your children's friends. I try to protect them. Let them know that friendship is a mutual respect. I respect my friends differences, I respect their property, I respect them. And it's mutual. I like to keep my friendships balanced. I don't want to feel like I'm giving more to the relationship and I don't want my friend to feel they are giving more. I can't afford to put a lot of energy and effort in any relationship and not get anything back. I have ended many relationships for that reason, whether it be friend or family. Having lupus has taught me a lot about friends and what really being a friend is about for me. I think that's where I'm getting stuck with my kids. I want their values for friendship to be the same as mine. Am I wrong? Do I sit back and watch them get walked all over because they want friends and to me are sacrificing their ( I can't find the right word) is it integrity for the sake of having friends? Demonstrating behavior not becoming to them or their household just to be liked. I went through that. It's not fun. It doesn't feel well. At least it didn't to me. I use to think my kids were an extension of me. I don't anymore. I had another heated discussion with my youngest and I told him I was beyond angry with the situation. What's beyond angry? For me, indifference. I'm shutting myself off from it. I can't spend anymore energy on it. It's like a brick wall and getting me nowhere. I'm turning it over to my husband. Fortunately for me and him there is another parent in the home to turn it over too. I'm losing sleep. My body aches. My head is exploding. I have to close off. It hurts. I've shed my tears and I know I have more, but there's nothing more I can do. Wish me luck.