Tuesday, October 20, 2009

admitting to others

Yes I know it's 4 in the morning. I went to sleep early because I'm still not feeling well. That's such a funny statement these days, I'm not feeling well. When am I ever feeling well. I feel worse than usual. I am still doing the adjusting to medication dance. Take one for 4 days see how you feel if it doesn't work we'll try something else. I told the doctor I couldn't afford to keep doing that. I think she listens, but now she wants me to go back to a medicine that I was on before. I stopped taking the other medicine for a reason, but I can't remember the reason. I started a journal at one point, but then I forgot to write in it and now I don't know what happened to it. Are you as confused as I am? My latested med dance is blood pressure pills. My body just doesn't tolerate meds. I don't even read the side effects anymore, because I thought I was getting them because I read about them. I know now that is not the case. I'm off topic. I had to admit to my husband and kids yesterday I couldn't drive. There are times when I admit to myself I can't do something. It just isn't within my power at the moment. I'm okay with that, because I added at the moment. Not a permanent situation. But I made excuses to my family or I just said no, I'm not going to do something. No explanation. I think it's because I don't want to appear weak and helpless in someone else's eyes. Yesterday every time I turned around it was can you do this or can you take me here. I finally said I can't drive right now. I feel dizzy I am not able to drive. Everyone just stopped. There was a period of 6 monthes that I didn't drive. Since than I've felt this freedom that I haven't wanted to give up. So when I don't feel good I say I'll go later, I'll drive you later. some days later is the next day, but I haven't said I can't drive. Handicap parking sticker( hanging thing). Resisted that for almost 2 years. I'm ready now. Didn't want the world to know I was disabled. Walking has become more painful now. Not going to stop doing it but getting a closer parking space would definitely help, I guess. Have I admitted that to others. Of course not. I let a small groan slip out here and there, but living with men you have to say I am in pain for it to mean anything. It's hard. Telling others of my struggles is not giving my independence away. I have to remember that.

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