Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Me Nobody Sees

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. There's always something wrong with me. Now I have the dizziness that's not going away. It's not vertigo ( at least I don't think it is), I've had that before and it doesn't feel like that. It started with the BP meds and now the docs say the dizziness should be gone by now. Well, it's not. Of course I have blood work done and everything is normal ( alittle low on iron, but nothing to be concerned about they say). Now I have to go for a MRI. I don't worry about those anymore. I've had so many and I get them yearly. Nothing's changed since the first one. Yes they actually found something on the first one, but no one can agree what they found. So they watch. Yes I've been to several neurologists and got rid of many. Still interviewing:). My social worker ( I see one and she's great I highly recommend it) wants me to go back on antidepressants because I was the happiest she's ever seen me. My PCP wants to see how I do without them. I'm a bit confused. I love how I felt on them, but I know it's artificial-chemically produced-not truely me. I want to be the person I am on the meds. I want that person back. I see glimpses of her. I can pull her out when  I'm around people. Very upbeat, always smiling. You'd never know the pain, confusion, and now dizziness that's behind the smile. But I stay positive through it all. I meditate, I do yoga, my hot oil massages, and drink a ton of tea:). I try always to think positive, speak positive, do positive. I say try because I'm human and slip up from time to time. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. And quite frankly the more I write the more I'm OK with it. I had to read what I just wrote because I couldn't figure out what I was OK with. I'm OK with not being so upbeat all, and I stress all, the time. It makes me more reflective and appreciative. I feel like I'm a deeper person. More incitive and intuitive. I think I'm going to stay off the antidepressents for now. People need to see the real me. I don't need to hide. This is who I am and I love me. Have a wonderful weekend! Thanks for letting me share!!!!!

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