Thursday, October 8, 2009

Rise and Shine

Well. I got some sleep yesterday and last night. Horay! I dreamt I was in pain all over. The headaches, the back and joint pain. So bad that I couldn't get out of bed. The only thing I was concerned about in this dream was that I had to go back to work.hmm Let's analyse.
I hardly ever talk about my pain anymore because it's always there. Some days are much worse than others but it's always there and for the most part I keep going. The past couple of days the pain has been bad. This morning I woke up in so much pain I was in tears and wanted to throw up. So I would imagine the pain I was feeling while I was asleep transfered into my dreams.
The work guilt. That is what that is. I haven't been able to work because of my condition for almost 2 years. My son asked me yesterday if I missed working. I do. I miss getting a regular pay check. I've been in denial about that one. I don't know why. Whenever I'm asked about work I always say I miss being around people. Well I'm around people now. I have new friends. I volunteer when I feel up to it. I try to do alittle something everyday so that I don't feel worthless. It works! I know I can still make a difference. I tell my story at events. But I'm not bringing in money like I use to. I'm on long term disability and I get 60% of what my annual pay was, but it's only 60%. In this economy I have not right to complain. I have made some adjustments. My husband works his ass off, full time job and a ton of one the side stuff. But I miss getting a paycheck every two weeks.
I'm in pain. I've dulled the lights on my computer so I can write. I've awaken my teenagers for school. I have to feel like a mom. Even when in pain. I don't want to be the woman in the dream that can't get out of bed because of the pain. I refuse. So I Rise and Shine until I crash. Is this it? Is this my life?
My pity party is over. The positive thinking needs to return. I am grateful I have a forum that I can write and maybe someone will read and understand and be inspired to be positive or give encouragement. If no one reads it, I've still worked things out. I feel better emotionally if not physically and I will get a better start on my day. I am grateful that I still feel pain, because I am alive. I am grateful I have learned to take a deep breath, because it relieves so much. What are you grateful for?
Rise and Shine it's going to be a beautiful day!

1 comment:

  1. I am greatful that after all the terrible things I have been through, that I came out of it, a better person. So, I guess you can say I am grateful for Lupus, it forced me to slow down, take a deep breath & realize, I'm alive & that I am going to make the best of my 2nd chance.

    I hope you have a wonderful day!!!!

    Fellow Lupie