Happy Holidays!!

The holidays have been very stressful in the past as they are for most people. This year was amazing. I didn't shop for any of the boys. I gave them money in a nicely decorated envelope ( decorated by yours truely). They loved it! It helps that they're all teenagers now. We had a nice family dinner, played Uno, watched television and talked. I cooked lasagna, one for the meat eaters and a delicious spinach and kale one for me, garlic bread and a salad. Very low maintenance, but satisfying. Because I have lupus I have to destress ( is that a word). Fighting crowds and giving disappointing gifts that have to be returned because it's the wrong size, not the right style or they have it already is not my idea of fun. Give the gift of money and family. Makes my life easier. I was able to sit back in front of the fire, warm and cozy, with a cup of herbal tea and watch the holiday cartoons. I haven't done that in years without having to worry about what I had forgotten or what was left to be done.
Happy Holidays from my family to yours!!!

Loving Life!

I'm truely happy. I've only felt this way a couple of times in my life with out any help:). And even then it only lasted a few hours. Something would alway happen and blow my feeling good to hell. This is different. So maybe I never felt this way. It's not a mood. It's an overall well being. The aches and pains are still my comfortable friend. I say comfortable because it's been around for so long I know it and all it's quirks, like a childhood friend. Just like my childhood friends I accept it for what it is and I don't let it interfer with me being me. I still yell at my children, so it's not the cloud nine of the Celexa world. I say my piece and I'm done with it. What happened? Why now? Is it my becoming a vegetarian? My research into Ayurveda? Am I a drug free hippy?:) I believe it's all of the above. I've learned to be grateful. Truely grateful for everything. To be happy with what I have.
I'm still making my scarves. It's funny. My husband is always thinking of business opportunities. (I love him for that). My scarves have gotten better. Now he's thinking of labels." We should get you labels for your scarves." I just looked at him and smiled. The scarves are recreation. Made from love. To give me something to do with my hands. I don't have the patiences or skill to market them, nor do I want to at this moment.
Winter is upon us and my herbs are growing. It's amazing. The sage I couldn't grow in the spring and summer is actually growing now!
Live. Love. Laugh. Enjoy your day!

Planting

I've decided to bring spring to my home in the winter/fall. I'm planting herbs and I bought a plant. I noticed I have no plants in my house. I planted herbs in the spring and then brought them all outside.  Now I want to bring life and color to my home ( not just on the walls). Last year I wanted to plant herbs to make my own teas and oils. One thing led to another and I forgot my purpose. I'm back on my mission. Slow down, enjoy nature and take care of my body and those around me ( they have no idea what's in store!). I have to find my notes and reacquaint myself with herbs and their uses. I started drinking milk thistle tea again. Good for helping out the liver. An organ that we don't tend to think about until it acts up. It works so hard, I'm going to help it out so it doesn't act up! Be happy and smile!

Today

Today I get my car back! Horay!! I've been without my car for about a month. Transmission problems. That's over now and I'm on the road again. I did enjoy not driving though. I got a lot of walking in. I slowed down and took care of me. I'm going to keep it this way. Take a walk. See colors. Hear the noise of traffic. Notice other people. Really see what's around me instead of zooming by. Live for today!!

Vegan or Vegetarian

A vegetarian eats eggs and butter, right?  I can't remember. At any rate my body feels so much better when I stick to just vegetable, soy protein, brown rice, small amount of bread (very small). I over indulged on apple pie Sunday ( you have to when you live with 4 men if you want get your fill). I can rationalize anything. Any way, I decided to just eat vegetable on Monday. Take my calorie count way down. I really felt good. I consumed less than 900 calories and I ate just enough. I even ate tofu. I've been buying tofu a lot lately. Never eat it. Finally decided to try it. In the most bizarre dishes. Collard greens. Traditionally you put some sort of fatty or flavorful protein in the collard greens to jazz them up. I put the greens in a food processor to chop them up. Sauted them in olive oil, garlic and crushed red pepper flakes. Seperately I sauted the tofu ( cut up) in olive oil, onion powder, garlic powder, I'm missing something (sorry) until they were golden brown and then added it to the greens. It was delicious. Only 91 calories for 1 cup. I need to do what I gotta do. Is this how people become vegetarians? I'm not advocating for vegans, I just know that I feel better without the meat. ( I shudder thinking about it). I loved meat. I love me more. Wish me luck and good eating!!

Goodmorning!

I can't believe it's been over a week. The holidays have been weird for me the last few years. I like being with just my family for the holidays (my husband and kids). I'm not a crowd person anymore. I like to make the holidays special. I decorate, do the traditional dinner, over eat. But then I want to relax. Maybe with a good book. Or even football with the family. My house is a dry house. I like it that way. When I entertain others I feel like I have to provide alcohol and that's just not me. I was going to extend invitations to dinner to family and friends, but I decided not to. If I have people drop in I have plenty and I never turn anyone away. I like drop ins on the holiday. They come in, share joy and leave. Not all day noise, but in spurts. I can handle that. As my children get older the holidays will change and their families will be added and it will be nice because they'll know what to expect. My energy level is shot. I hope my enthusiasm for the holidays carries me through the meal prep. I plan to do it in stages. I'm starting as early as Tuesday with homemade cranberry sauce this year. I've found some good recipes on foodnetwork.com. Maybe I'll check out epicurious.com. They always have good recipes, but very involved.

Teenagers

Living with teenagers is a trial. You would think because I have all boys at home it would be easier than girls. It's not.You still have the friends issues. To add to that you have the parents or shall I say mom of the friends issues. I am a very liberal and open mom. I do have rules. But for the most part I'm easy going. I don't do stress well as we know and I have learned to pick and choose my battles- after all we have four kids. So when you mix mom's feedback about kids and who's not allowed in who's house it becomes a mess. My son just wants to have two friends over to play video games and eat chinese food. I've changed plans once already saying he could have one friend over at a time after I had spoken to the two parents and said they could both stay. Got a phone call from a mom complaining about the other kid. After talking to my son I did realize that it's not fair. To exclude one kid based on the back in forth phone calls instigated by a mom. So now we are back to two kids and I'll leave it up to the mom to decide if she wants her son here or not. Such drama. I'm at a place in my life where I don't want or need it. I'm going to have a lovely night of tea and crochet my blanket.

Volunteer for Lupus

Hello! Anyone that has been following my volunteer for lupus blog , I thank you, but I have recently changed it to a closed blogg for the Hamden Walk for Lupus Now committee. Hamden is a lovely town in Connecticut. Anyone interested in joining this committee can feel free to contact me through this blogg and I will send you an invitation to gain access to the other. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes in strange forms. My latest. Pamela Anderson. Who would have thought. It's not suprising for many. She's beautiful with a killer body. For me the inspiration is taking care of yourself and taking care of family. She loves her kids. A great mom- if she wasn't we would have heard about it! She eats all natural  (she's a vegetarian) and she's taking care of her. She continues to get up and  do what she has to do reguardless of what is writen about her and she never changes her style. She is who she is. How can you not get inspired. So this morning I got up, did light yoga stretches, crunches -horay - talk about being positive:) and I meditated. The kids have no school today so we will paint as a family. This has actually turned out to be fun. They get to goof around with each other and we all get a chance to talk with no one running out to do something else- plus I get a beautiful room. So today I am inspired by Pamela Anderson. Not for her beauty and body, but for the woman she is - we all are!!!!
For any guys reading- you can be like Pamela too!!
Laugh. Love. Smile. Enjoy!

Here's a pic of me and the boys 2 yrs ago. They're much taller now! And I was blonde!!

whining

Lately I've been finding myself doing a lot of whining. I've been complaining about everything. It felt like nothing was going my way. Wasn't thinking positvely about anything. It's time to stop. It's more draining to complain. I have to stop fighting. Whenever I get in that mode I fight against everything.  I've been fighting with the kids, picking on my husband, and the best - fighting against lupus- for lupus- all the same I'm fighting. My kids are going to be my kids. It doesn't mean I have to accept disorderliness in my domain, they still have to respect my space, but I don't have to fight about it. My husband - it doesn't mean I have to accept disorderliness in my domain, he still has to respect my space. See a pattern:). I can express myself without the tantrums. Yes I still have them at 39 yrs old. I'm intouch with the kid in me! I can advocate for my disease without it being a fight. I can accept my disease and live a lot freer without fighting it. Everytime there's as set back I go into fight mode. I guess it's normal.  Shake it off. Move on. No whining. It's no one's fault. I think that's it. I want to blame someone and there is no one. Deep breath. Smile. Life is Good!!! I really am grateful. I have a wonderful family. I have good friends. I'm able to get around. Here's a new picture I think I'm going to frame. I took it on my deck. I'm still creative. Enjoy!

The Me Nobody Sees

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. There's always something wrong with me. Now I have the dizziness that's not going away. It's not vertigo ( at least I don't think it is), I've had that before and it doesn't feel like that. It started with the BP meds and now the docs say the dizziness should be gone by now. Well, it's not. Of course I have blood work done and everything is normal ( alittle low on iron, but nothing to be concerned about they say). Now I have to go for a MRI. I don't worry about those anymore. I've had so many and I get them yearly. Nothing's changed since the first one. Yes they actually found something on the first one, but no one can agree what they found. So they watch. Yes I've been to several neurologists and got rid of many. Still interviewing:). My social worker ( I see one and she's great I highly recommend it) wants me to go back on antidepressants because I was the happiest she's ever seen me. My PCP wants to see how I do without them. I'm a bit confused. I love how I felt on them, but I know it's artificial-chemically produced-not truely me. I want to be the person I am on the meds. I want that person back. I see glimpses of her. I can pull her out when  I'm around people. Very upbeat, always smiling. You'd never know the pain, confusion, and now dizziness that's behind the smile. But I stay positive through it all. I meditate, I do yoga, my hot oil massages, and drink a ton of tea:). I try always to think positive, speak positive, do positive. I say try because I'm human and slip up from time to time. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way. And quite frankly the more I write the more I'm OK with it. I had to read what I just wrote because I couldn't figure out what I was OK with. I'm OK with not being so upbeat all, and I stress all, the time. It makes me more reflective and appreciative. I feel like I'm a deeper person. More incitive and intuitive. I think I'm going to stay off the antidepressents for now. People need to see the real me. I don't need to hide. This is who I am and I love me. Have a wonderful weekend! Thanks for letting me share!!!!!

Volcano

I feel like my body is a volcano ready to erupt. I'm the little villagers living in fear of making the volcano angry. I feel myself starting to regress. Just slightly, but I feel it. I've slow down the activities that I had on my plate, for fear of overdoing it and ending up in bed in agony. How do you battle this fear. I used to call it respect for my body and maybe then that's what it was. Well I have over worked it, disrespected it and now I fear it. WOW. Trying to get back to loving my body and respecting it. I haven't strayed far from it, but it definitely wasn't my first priority lately. It's time to make a daily routine of yoga, meditation, and hot oil massages in the morning. I've been eating home cooked, non processed foods for a month now and cutting back on the foods that make me sluggish or add to the pain. Now it's time to cut them out completely. Again fear of the VOLCANO. I want the pain to stop. I hear of people with lupus who have gotten rid of the pain for the most part so I know there is a way. Everyone is different and I have to find my way. So I'm back on my Ayurervedic journey. The books are very confusing. I'm going to trying tackling it in chunks.

A New Day

I had a good day yesterday.The pain was down to a minimum. Of course I went out and tried to get some shopping done. I made it to three stores! I had such a good stretch of decent days that I forget I have to take each day as it comes. Today is a new day. I'm going to find a balance in my activities. Wish me luck!

Dishrag

I feel like a washed out dishrag. I am worn out. Last night the pain was so intense I thought I was going to throw up. I was in the car driving( when will I learn to say no) the scenes going by were irritating and then the sun went down before I got home. The lights from everything, on coming cars, brake lights of cars in front, street lights, traffic lights ( I think I named them all), were making me so sick. I had to roll down the windows and cover my eyes every time I was able to stop the car. I knew I couldn't throw up, because if I did I would have to go to the ER. When I got home I ate ( I can eat threw anything, it's amazing!), and layed down in my room in the dark and yes in that order and I ate in the dark. After laying down for a few hours I was able to tolerate the light a lot better. The headaches were still there. There always there. This morning I'm hoping for a better day. The plan is to take my neurotin consistantly, I'm up to 3 times a day, it'll make me loopy, and crochet my crooked scarf. I'll take a picture of it later so you can see it. My husband said I should turn it into ear muffs, the kind you wrap around your head:).

You Can't Be a Quiter

How many times have I heard that. That one statement puts so much pressure on me. I can't believe I've repeated it to my children. Note to self, correct it. I probably won't remember so Des if your reading remind me:). Knowing my limits and recognizing when I going above and beyond what I'm capable of. When it's no longer healthy and I am in pain because of my actions. It's time to call it quits. Nothing should jepardize ( i know that's wrong) my health. My mission has been to lead a much simpler life that is conducive to good health ( I am butchering a ton of words today!). It feels good to write it. Take a deep breath. I don't think I've been breathing lately. Breathing correctly. It's all about feeling good. Life is too short to have to....I just lost what i was going to say. Oh well we all can fill in the blank. I need positive energy. There isn't a medicine out there to make me feel good or better. Nothing to get rid of the headaches. I am not going to add stress and make myself feel worse. Not worth it. I have enough everyday stress I can't get rid of. Kids, husband, dog:), me! The rest of my life is in my control. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. I'm giving up too much valuable time and energy that could be spent enjoying my children, husband, dog, me! Not in that order either. I come first! I'm still taking deep cleansing breaths and you know what, it feels good!!! Enjoy your day!

admitting to others

Yes I know it's 4 in the morning. I went to sleep early because I'm still not feeling well. That's such a funny statement these days, I'm not feeling well. When am I ever feeling well. I feel worse than usual. I am still doing the adjusting to medication dance. Take one for 4 days see how you feel if it doesn't work we'll try something else. I told the doctor I couldn't afford to keep doing that. I think she listens, but now she wants me to go back to a medicine that I was on before. I stopped taking the other medicine for a reason, but I can't remember the reason. I started a journal at one point, but then I forgot to write in it and now I don't know what happened to it. Are you as confused as I am? My latested med dance is blood pressure pills. My body just doesn't tolerate meds. I don't even read the side effects anymore, because I thought I was getting them because I read about them. I know now that is not the case. I'm off topic. I had to admit to my husband and kids yesterday I couldn't drive. There are times when I admit to myself I can't do something. It just isn't within my power at the moment. I'm okay with that, because I added at the moment. Not a permanent situation. But I made excuses to my family or I just said no, I'm not going to do something. No explanation. I think it's because I don't want to appear weak and helpless in someone else's eyes. Yesterday every time I turned around it was can you do this or can you take me here. I finally said I can't drive right now. I feel dizzy I am not able to drive. Everyone just stopped. There was a period of 6 monthes that I didn't drive. Since than I've felt this freedom that I haven't wanted to give up. So when I don't feel good I say I'll go later, I'll drive you later. some days later is the next day, but I haven't said I can't drive. Handicap parking sticker( hanging thing). Resisted that for almost 2 years. I'm ready now. Didn't want the world to know I was disabled. Walking has become more painful now. Not going to stop doing it but getting a closer parking space would definitely help, I guess. Have I admitted that to others. Of course not. I let a small groan slip out here and there, but living with men you have to say I am in pain for it to mean anything. It's hard. Telling others of my struggles is not giving my independence away. I have to remember that.

It's Cold!

My fingers are starting to do the turning blue thing. Raynaud's. My son asked me if it was painful. It was hard for me to answer. It is painful. But I have so much pain and it's all different, it was hard to describe. I never knew there was so many different kinds of physical pain. For now I'm sitting in front of my cozy pellet stove enjoying the flames. I started a new scarf. It's funny. It's that fuzzy kind of yarn. Well if I don't count the stiches I'm in trouble because I can't see the row before. I have an hour glass scarf. This is not going to be my new business:). I can't concentrate on doing it and counting. I get lost and then it looks like it does. I should probably bring it to my next doctor appt so when she asks how's my concentration I can show her. She'll only tell me she has that problem too. Maybe she should get checked out. Bundle up and Have an awesome day!!!

Sleep Glorious Sleep

I've slept for 5 nights in a row!! NO help from any medication. I incorporated feng shui. I have to be beat over the head sometimes to try things that I already have access to. I had a book on feng shui about a year ago. I tryed some of it. Not all. Didn't believe it would work. At this time in my life I figured what do I have to lose. One of the things was to get clutter, bills, computer out of my room. Did a massive clean up with the help of my oldest. My room looks beautiful again. Second I changed the location of my bed. My bed was in the middle of two windows. I could hear everything outside or at least I tried to. Feng shui suggest moving bed from under windows so at night your not worried about intruders and listening for sounds outside. The third thing and something I tried to do but could never keep up with was to turn the TV off. I'm supposed to close it in a cabinet or not have one at all in the bedroom. For now it goes off after 1/2 hour. I have slept since I did these things. I'll keep you posted!!!!

Time well spent

I'm crocheting a scarf. It's nice to see something you've made with your own hands. It's been very painful though. My shoulder, elbow, and fingers are killing me. I take a lot of breaks, but I can't wait to see the end result. Another added benefit is it forces me to sit still. I feel like I have to keep moving and I exhaust myself rather quickly. Now I have something to do while I sit. Can't seem to get around the pain. Still, it's time well spent.

Money

Having lupus I am always afraid of that word. It seems I never have enough. Medications, doctor co-pays, bills, food, kids all on a reduced income. I have to be creative with my money. I have to plan. Never been a planner. Ever. I saw what I want, went after it and got it. With some things I still do that. Not when money's involved. Now I plan. I think about everything. No more impulsive buying. I plan out our meals. Which really is a good thing. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat or the family. If I need to prepare something early in the day because I know it's going to require energy, I know ahead of time. Thank you Wendy (Healthy Endeavors!)!! Coupon shopping. Don't sleep on the coupons. There is so many savings out there. Coupons can get overwhelming, so be careful. They can also cause you to spend on things you don't ordinarily buy, so beware. I sound like a halloween special. There are many savings is my point. My favorite is Stop and Shop. They offer gas savings (awesome!), cash off you next purchase, and they have an A+ thing for schools where they will donate money to your school based on your shopping at no extra cost to you. How great is that! For me I have trouble doing large shopping because I can't stand or walk for long periods of time, so when I need to shop big I do Peapod. A service from Stop and Shop where they deliver your groceries and bring them in the house for you. I'm in love. By the way I am not being paid by Stop and Shop for this.Hmm I wonder if there is a way? Oh well, I'm just happy to share the tip. Enjoy your Saturday!

It Can Wait

It can wait. I'm not very good at that. Yesterday I forced myself to say and do it a lot. I was so tired and hurting, but I still wanted to try to do something. I made myself sit in the recliner and say "it can wait". My doctors want me to try tylenol for pain. They're kidding, right. But I try to be a good girl and accomadate them and take the tylenol. Did it help? Very little. Today I'll add the motrin to it if it gets too bad. Another suggestion from the PCP office. For now I'll slow down(even more). All of the organizing and cleaning that I finally felt well enough to tacle will have to wait. It's waited 2 years a few more days won't hurt. Cleaning is a slow process for me know. I've learned to do it in chunks. Taking a section of a room at a time. I don't have the energy to do the whole room, so break it down. The larger things that need to be done I grab, literally sometimes:), one or all of the boys. Still tired, still in pain. Time to pamper me. The rest of the world can wait. Do alittle something for yourself today. Have fun for me and enjoy!

Rise and Shine

Well. I got some sleep yesterday and last night. Horay! I dreamt I was in pain all over. The headaches, the back and joint pain. So bad that I couldn't get out of bed. The only thing I was concerned about in this dream was that I had to go back to work.hmm Let's analyse.
I hardly ever talk about my pain anymore because it's always there. Some days are much worse than others but it's always there and for the most part I keep going. The past couple of days the pain has been bad. This morning I woke up in so much pain I was in tears and wanted to throw up. So I would imagine the pain I was feeling while I was asleep transfered into my dreams.
The work guilt. That is what that is. I haven't been able to work because of my condition for almost 2 years. My son asked me yesterday if I missed working. I do. I miss getting a regular pay check. I've been in denial about that one. I don't know why. Whenever I'm asked about work I always say I miss being around people. Well I'm around people now. I have new friends. I volunteer when I feel up to it. I try to do alittle something everyday so that I don't feel worthless. It works! I know I can still make a difference. I tell my story at events. But I'm not bringing in money like I use to. I'm on long term disability and I get 60% of what my annual pay was, but it's only 60%. In this economy I have not right to complain. I have made some adjustments. My husband works his ass off, full time job and a ton of one the side stuff. But I miss getting a paycheck every two weeks.
I'm in pain. I've dulled the lights on my computer so I can write. I've awaken my teenagers for school. I have to feel like a mom. Even when in pain. I don't want to be the woman in the dream that can't get out of bed because of the pain. I refuse. So I Rise and Shine until I crash. Is this it? Is this my life?
My pity party is over. The positive thinking needs to return. I am grateful I have a forum that I can write and maybe someone will read and understand and be inspired to be positive or give encouragement. If no one reads it, I've still worked things out. I feel better emotionally if not physically and I will get a better start on my day. I am grateful that I still feel pain, because I am alive. I am grateful I have learned to take a deep breath, because it relieves so much. What are you grateful for?
Rise and Shine it's going to be a beautiful day!

Sleepless in....

I'm up again. I've tried turning the TV off. I sleep with it on- a bad habit. Tonight was night 1 of that. I've been up for an hour and decided to putter around for the last 1/2 hour. My pain has been worse for the last 2 or 3 days. I've been decreasing my prednisone. Sucky but needs to be done. That's not helping my sleep because my joints hurt while I'm in bed. I can't get comfortable. I've been on prednisone for all most 2 years now and we've been very slowly decreasing my dosage. The affects of prednisone is a two sided blade. One the one hand it's helped with keeping everything under control as far as progression with the lupus attacking anything else and on the other hand I've gained 60lbs and now have high blood pressure. The good are still out weighing the bad so I don't squawk too much. But it's not healthy to stay on prednisone for long. I'm coming to the conclusion that sometimes you have to stay on it long whether it's healthy or not. The pain of not being on it just isn't worth it. The pain meds have worse long term side affects than the prednisone. I'm too tired to try to edit this right now. I'll revisit it later. Let try it again. Goodnight or is it Goodmorning?:)

Teenagers

You love them. You're happy they're safe. But they can drive you to drink. I have 3 of them and everyday is a challenge and guess what? I stopped drinking 13 years ago. I take a lot of deep breaths and I have learned to process things before I speak, and a wait a day or two before I act. When they were small I would have to act immediately so they didn't forget why they were being punished,but as they get older I have to wait to make sure the punishment fits the crime. And I'm not being punished along with them. You know the month long grounding where after 1 week you're thinking what the hell did I do. When do teenagers finally get it? Have a great day! I plan to!!

Nettle Tea

I'm starting to get a cold. It took a few weeks to recognize it as such. Nettle tea is one of my favorite cold remedies. It does so much. In fact too much for me to write it all down. Check out the link. Great for coughs, asthma, and arthritis, just to name a few. Bundle up I think were in for a cool fall and a cold winter! Welcome to lovely New England!!

Sleep

I've been awake since about 2:30am. I don't have a problem going to sleep, I have a problem staying asleep. I'm on Neurotin for my headaches and it use to knock me out at night, but as with everything my body is adjusting to it, so it doesn't work for sleeping as well as it did. I've tried camomille tea, warm milk, rubbing my temples with lavender essential oil ( not sure if that was for the headaches or sleep), and valarian. Nothing has worked. I'm not sure what I going to try next. I take so many pills ( prescription and supplements) that I'm always resistant when it comes to adding more to the list. There was a period last year when I didn't sleep at night for monthes. I actually had to write down the times that I would sleep and the duration because it had gotten so bad. Sleep deprivation is an awful thing. I was a basket case. This time it's been going on for about a month. I would wake up about 4am which isn't too bad, but after a week of this I would be so exhausted that I would end up in the bed with wicked headaches for 2 days. Of course there was more to the headaches than just sleep deprivation. I would try to carry out a normal person's routine during the day. Always falling short and exhausted my already tired self. At times I like to forget I have Lupus and try to be the old me. I realize she doesn't exist in that energetic, always on the go way, but I still remember and I like to pretend. I pay when I do. Sometimes it's worth it, but I have to pick the times I want to use up energy that my body can't handle. I'm getting off track again. Any suggestions on sleep would be welcomed. It's 6:19 and my kids should be up, but of course they are sleeping soundly:). I'll take it easy today.

Where ever you want to go

I too am a firm believer in the mind taking you where ever you want to go. May sound creepy, but let's explore. 98% of the time I have imagined a goal, really planned in out and here is the key (this is all learned stuff) you have to feel it, I have achieved it. The other 2% I stopped visualizing. Example- I wanted a new car. I picked out my new car. I went a the dealership - didn't have the money for it and at the time I didn' believe I was ready- and test drove the car I wanted so in my mind I could visualize me in my car. I could feel the excitement of me driving my new car. I could smell my new car. Then I went home and put a picture of my new car on my computer as a favorite. Every morning I looked at my new car and visualized me driving and how it felt. I would be driving to work, driving to familiar places and feeling myself getting in the car, feel putting my hands on the steering wheel. Feel every moment. Then I would go off with my day. About 4 months later I get a call from the dealership saying that they had the car I wanted in. ( Jeep was only releasing a certain number and color of these cars to dealerships). Well I thought how was I going to get a loan for this car. I called my credit union. They happened to have a fabulous special going on with 100% financing. I thought I'm never going to be approved, But I had been visualizing me in this car for 4 months. I submitted the application in the morning. When I came back from lunch I had a phone call. I called back and I was approved! I was driving the next day. The funny thing is it wasn't the color I wanted but the color I test drove and had as a favorite on the computer because I had forgot the change to the color that I was visualizing everday! My point is be very careful what you visualize on a daily basis. Make it positive, make it beautiful, and be very specific! I have many more examples but I'll save that for another time. By the way I still love my new car (3 years old now), color and all! Have fun visualizing!!

Feeling Lazy

For me it's late and I'm tired, but I learned something new and had to try it out. Isn't she beautiful. MGM in Las Vegas. I feel like this right now. Just relaxing. Didn't over do it today. No trying to get 5 things done and exhausting myself. Resting up for tomorrow. Goodnight.

Positive thinking

My faith has been restored. The minute you take yourself out of a situation and think positive, good things happen. I got a response from the person I reached out to. I'm not sure about the delay, but I am sure that it had nothing to do with me. I can't let life get me down. We all have our moments. THINK POSITIVE. Words to live by.

Gratitude

This morning before I got out of bed I made myself think of three things I was grateful for. It's not as easy as it sounds on some days. I like to think of new things and not keep repeating the same ones because then it becomes routine and I'm not putting any thought into it and really appreciating these things. To be honest as I write I can't even remember what the three things were. I guess it doesn't matter because I remember the feeling I got from it. I got out of bed with a smile and I was able to transfer my happiness to my children as they got off to school. Having lupus most mornings- every morning- I need a reason to get out of bed and a focus on something other than the pain. When people see me I always have a smile - ok not always most of the time:) . One gentleman that I met at my favorite dentist's office, said that he couldn't believe that I had lupus because I was smiling and didn't appear to be in pain. Oh yeah gratitude - I was getting off track- I smile because I am grateful. I'm still here, I still breathe, I still can walk, I still can hold my children and my husband, I still can look outside and see all the beautiful colors, I still can smell all the delicious aromas of fall. It's the simple things that make me happy. Things we all can be grateful for. Enjoy your day!

Check Yourself

I resently reached out to someone I didn't know for a position on a voluntary board. I haven't heard anything. My immediate thought was to be angry and want nothing to do with the organization. That lasted 2 minutes. Then I began to doubt whether he thought I was good enough. I know I'm good enough ( an improvement from the past). A lot of other thoughts came to mind. You know the race issue presented itself. I don't use the race card because I always stand on my own merrit, but if you don't take the time to get to know me - I'm not naive enough to think that racism isn't present in this world. Hell, I don't even know if he knows I'm black.  But I will ignore all of these thoughts and check myself. I volunteer from the heart. It's not about recognition. It's about the feeling of well being that I get from helping others. I also have to remember that it's not always about me. There could be other things going on in peoples lives. If it is about me, I can't control what others think. I can only control my reaction to it. I am not defined by what people think of me. So I continue to help my cause. Letting people know about Lupus. Being a face and a voice. Knowledge is power right?! The more people who know and connect themselve to this disease the more help we will get.

Diaries of Mad Love

I just read a great book, Diaries of Mad Love by Sole Patterson. It was filled with drama, deceit, steamy love scenes, and a powerful message about being true to yourself. I love it. It's not in stores yet but can be purchased online at http://www.publishamerica.net/ . Definitely one for the library!!

Thoughts

I love " I promise myself". I have a copy of it on the mirror in my bedroom so that I look at it every morning and read it in its entirety on most. I gives me such a feeling of well being. I can't believe he wrote it around 1917. Don't quote me on the year. Good words to live by never go out of style. They apply to all generations. As much as we as a society like to think we have changed and evolved, we really haven't. We keep making the same mistakes and not learning from them. Fighting for superiority instead as living as one. I try to be happy with what I have and who I am. I'm not in competition with anyone. I can appreciate everyones differentness or uniqueness. When I started changing my mindset I noticed a lot of things. The most noticable was the absence of the friends that I once had. Some relationships are very stressful on both ends. When I concentrated on being positive. Truly positve! All of the once stressful relationships melted away. It's lonely at first, because I am use to the drama. Now it's peaceful. New people came into my life. I still see the old friends from time to time, but it's definitely different. Again it's not about being superior it's about being different and appreciating the difference without feeling I have to respond to it.

I Promise Myself

I promise myself

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look on the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

CHRISTIAN D. LARSON

Fatigue

I'm in a talkative mood this morning so bare with me. My spelling is shot also :) . I was confused with fatigue and energy. I have now come to realise that it's not the same thing. I've been eating healthy for a while now. It's creating all this energy and it's fabulous. But!! My body can't handle it. I'm not so sure that it's because I'm out of shape and I am OUT OF SHAPE. I bike ride, I walk, I do yoga - not in the same day and most times not even in the same week- you got me- sometimes not in the same month. But when I do those things I feel tired. The out of shape tired that one would feel when they're not use to the activity. This is different. When I take advantage of my new found energy. I get massive  headaches and I'm in bed with fatigue - the debilitating depletion of energy - for a day or two. So how do you enjoy all of this energy that I am not accustomed to and not do myself harm. I guess that's why I am channelling my energy into my writing. I am going to leave now, my son is actually interested in doing educational things on a Saturday, Hurray!!!!

Reflection

Every bored chick wants to be a writer or  photographer. I do both. I guess that makes me truly bored or very inciteful. I'm writing a book. I've always been told that my life is colorful and you should write a book. Even in highschool. Who has the time or patience. Right now I have nothing but time and more patience than I've had in years if not ever. I like taking pictures because I want the world to see the beauty around them the way I see it. For that reason I don't like to do portraits. I don't believe you see the real person in a portrait, only what they want you to see. You'll see my photographs in my blog so enjoy.

Finding Peace

This morning I went to a yoga class. I love yoga. It allows me to slow down and just be in the moment. Today we focused on ahisma. Being kind and generous to others. By doing this I reap the benefit of feeling good. If I give from the heart (not because I want something in return or feel like I have to) I feel really good and at peace. I try to do a random act of kindness everyday for someone I don't know. Whether it's holding open a door, letting a car go in front me, or helping someone that looks lost. You know the look- hmm don't know what I'm doing but not going to ask for help. Sometimes there's no need to ask. What do does all this have to do with Lupus. Having lupus means I have to always find ways to feel good. I can't focus on the pain, the aches, the confusion. If I'm feeling good those things melt into the background and when the take a front seat, I have something to refocus on until pain, aches, and confusion get better. So for today, I will be kind and generous not only to others, but to myself.

Evening Thoughts

It's evening and I'm exhausted. I had day filled with culinary delights thanks to my friend Wendy! Butternut squash soup and corn muffins for dinner.mmmm Even though the weather is still warm the season has changed and with it we need to change. We are part of nature and when you don't follow the pattern you become unbalanced. Eating foods that are a little heavier and use foods that are harvested in the fall and local to you is a good way to stay in harmony with nature. Soups, stews, cassaroles. I'm definitely a fall person. I love everything about it. The crispness to the air, the vibrant array of colors in the trees, a time to wind down. As you may have noticed my lupus causes me to go all over the place.Think of it as a journey keeping up with me. With the weather cooling off it a great time to do outdoor excercise! Yoga in the yard or a park. A nice walk among the trees away from the noise of cars. Just drink it all in and enjoy! Until tomorrow.

Beautiful Morning

I'm 39 and living with Lupus. It has tranformed me in a beautiful way. I see things so much clearer. I have a better understanding of what is important in life. It's not the things I have, the size of my clothes, the friends and connections that I have that are important. It's my actions. The love and care that I put into life. Being grateful for everything I see, feel, hear and taste. Yes I said taste. What I eat is very important. Having lupus everything affects my body. Learning to take the time and savor everything and every moment is the key to true happiness.